I feel like I’m stationary.

It’s so difficult to keep going when everyone around you is in fast motion. And you, you’re stationary. No matter how much you try, what you do, you can’t move. And while the world is racing around you, you’re stuck struggling on your feet.

I feel like I am stuck. My world has come to a halt. I have been fighting for so long but have made so little progress that sometimes it feels like no progress at all. Friends, family everyone around me seems oblivious to the struggle. It’s like i’m fighting an intangible fight, and the little that i do achieve is anything but obvious. Its like I’m oblivious.

There is anger building inside me, frustrations homing inside me. And i’m letting it fill me up. For once i want the anger to burn me down. For once i want to complain. But I’m alone in my battles. There is nobody around. Who do i turn to? Who do i complain. There is nobody, only me who is screaming on her own.

No one can hear me. No one can understand because to the second person it seems like i’m just failing to deal with everything. They don’t understand how the situations around me is failing itself.

When all the love you give out doesn’t find a way back to you. When you drain yourself for the betterment of others. When you give everything that it leaves you empty. And when all this doesn’t eventually return back to you. You feel lost. You feel hurt. I’m hurt.

Maybe it’s too soon to ask for it. But then why do i feel like i’ve been fighting for longer than i can remember? Nobody is a friend, nobody is a best friend. As long as you’re sane and robotic alongside the pace of this world. You’re happily accepted and celebrated. The day you stumble on your toes, your out. You’re just another disappointment no ones ready to own.

SN’18

I feel like I’m stationary.

#Reality

〰People are all what we have, yet it is them whom we avoid the most.  SN

Surviving yet Smiling-2016

One year ago, I decided to start a personal blog. I wasn’t depressed, wasn’t really happy, wasn’t really anything. But I had made up my mind that for 2016, my resolution was to allow my emotions out on paper and to share them with the world. And here I sit, celebrating my first anniversary with Word Press. It has been a pleasure!

2016– Well was kind of weird. It was packed with drama, and came along with so many lessons for me to learn, that it scares me; one year can completely change how a person thinks about them self and life. This year changed my perspective about everything, and pulled me down to this point where I now strongly believe that you cannot judge an event or situation based on how it presents itself. There is so much more to everything. And everything, yes EVERYTHING that happens, happens for good.

My parents split up this year around July-August. At that current time, it felt, as if that was everything. As if i would never be able to get back to my life at my father’s place. Nobody knows about this. Except my close friend, with whom I shared after it felt too much for me to bear. We shifted to my mother’s brother’s place, and for almost one whole month, I had no contact with my father. He didn’t call, i called once but he didn’t pick up.

Those days were hard, my younger 6 year old sister turned into a quite person. She would cry and plead to return home, my mother had this sadness on her face which she refused to admit. I tried my best to remain calm and strong, but it got to me too. I started getting stress attacks. Even though my Uncle was hell supportive, and so sweet and considerate as he had been his whole life, i started feeling homesick for a place i didn’t want to return to. I would have emotional breakdowns during the school lessons; my teacher sensed my change in behavior. And even though i was relieved to be away from the place that had been haunting and suffocating my mum and sisters for as long as I could remember, i was sad.

I lost a very good friend this year too. I befriended him this same year, spent a great deal of time fooling around with him, and shared so many weirdly cute memories with him. But lost him. Life just took a turn and just like that we had to part ways. Everything happened too fast, and it was so ugly. It ended up uglier than i had expected. Yes, i always knew it was coming, but never the way it had. Unwillingly i had to say my goodbye.

Since then, it had been hard. Everything reminded me of how timely happiness was, how everything was destined to come to an end. How foolish i was to tie myself with people, with things, with places that their emptiness would tear me when the feeling of loosing them would ignite. And the worst part of it all was, i had already lost them. So there was no wait, only the reality that they were gone, and I, I couldn’t do anything about it.

That was when i begin to write. Poems, prose, narratives, those i haven’t shared on my blog, yet those that reflect so clearly the battle i fought this 2016. The question of “Can’t it be always?” would bombard my thoughts. i would cry myself to sleep. Every night. I would stay awake through the nights, doing nothing. Not even thinking.

Everything started hitting me, my life will come to an end, my friendship will come to an end, people will change, those you love will not always love you back, those you care for wont always care for you the way you do, people will hurt you and not even realize they did, good people will leave this world earlier than the bad ones, the world will starve, my grades will suffer, my school life will drown, my social circle will break, I myself will change, and hurt people with the change.

But along these infinite complains i may have from 2016, there was so much to be thankful for. It is definitely how I choose to see my problems and life through this year, which concludes how my 2016 was. And here I choose to see it the way I would not have at the beginning when life continuously began breaking down on me. My parents separated, just to get back together in a mode where they now understood each other better than they did in many years. Where my mum knew what to expect, when to expect and how to handle the problems which may directly affect her daughters lives.

 

I became strangers to many people, but I see how that was good for me. How I was saved from giving into people who had already given themselves away to someone else. How everything came to an end so it could start all over again. How we could make out the best of the time we had in hand aware that any breathe could be our last one, any chat could be our last one with people. How we could realize that time, yes time will fly by thus we need to plan and schedule our lives.

 

How we’ve entered this world with counted breathes, with counted days but how we could turn this handed limit into an undying eternal infinity. How a smile, a word, a gesture of care could make someone’s day.

 

Yes I can say I survived another year, happily welcoming the next. I’ve survived while I smiled, and I can continue to survive only if I choose to see the positive in my life. Don’t ever be hopeless, I moved on from the anxiety, the stress, the daily drama, and disappointments. I have no regrets, not even this “I wish it never happened”. Because I’m glad my life took the turns it did, because it made me strong and tough today. Made me care for people, made me care for things and time. Made me a better person, who’ll polish even more in the upcoming year.

 

So 2017, I am ready. Let’s see what you have to offer.

P.s Happy New Year!

The Seed of love

The seed of love

You were reluctant to sow

Will only grow manifest 

For time will show. 

With brilliance, and fruit

Carrying a significant role 

To heal the wounds,

And nourish the soul.

For the seed of love

Had gradually grown

Into a tree manifest

As promised, time did show.

With care and well

A little lover’s dew

Kept hidden, unshared 

Inside the same reluctant you. 

SN’16

Living good memories

Sometimes, some events, some people that had been a part of you at some point in life leaves a great mark behind when they’re no more. What role does it play and well why does the mark stays?

We choose to let it lay. That is it. For all the memories of your childhood, all the memories of your youth, those which continue to stay with you, are the ones you allowed to linger own. To hold onto you with a fragile grip yet every time it loosened it, you kept it alive, lingering on by remembering it. 

Some of these memories continue to contribute positive in us, the present us. Reminding us of the lessons learned, advising to adopt new approaches, alerting the consequences of repeating old mistakes. All in all pushing us in becoming better everyday. Careful and sensible. 

While some of these memories which have stayed behind, do nothing but harm in a way oblivious to us in the present, revealing its destruction done over panels of time. What kind of memories and thoughts are they? The memories of guilt we keep inside, not allowing to forgive our own selves, when people have. The feeling of envy, greed and lust, the memories of our childhood when we couldn’t get what we want, when we had to make sacrifices, when we had to give away ours to those in need. All these which we let home inside to build up into something dangerous, some parasite, continuously telling us to do bad with those who did that with us. And we train ourselves in becoming villains, in the life story of the people we are connected to. 

So be aware of all what you allow to be a part of who you are. A part of who you will be in the future. Letting your past, and the memories made, guide you is not a bad thing at all, only when you know which part of your past and what memories you want to tie to. 

It is after all man who wrongs his own soul. 


“It is the spectator and not life that is really the mirror” 

~Oscar Wilde

Bleeding Words (Poem)

For the times i stood alone

In the pool of my own mistakes.

While the eyes poured out,

the rivulets of guilt.

Watching the world i had built with love and care

Come crashing down brick by brick

I’d sat by my desk 

And bled the tale

For the times when i found love

And love had found me

In a world too dreamy to believe

Yet i gave myself away

To be left stranded and betrayed

In a nightmare, i had dreamt.

I’d sat by my desk 

And bled the tale

For the times i have fought

Fought each breathe but lost

When hope perished to exist

Amongst the masquerade

Of blood sucking beings

And all struggle went waste

I’d sat by my desk  

And bled the tale

I’ve bled a thousand words,

On empty white sheets.

Amused how each word

Created a bullet hole

On the paper

And well, inside me.

 

I sit by my desk tonight

To tell the tale

Of bleeding bullet holes

And how words haven’t failed

A grieving soul

Bruised and wounded

With a thousand words.

 SN’16

In the dark.

I lay here celebrating the dark as it slowly wraps me in its silence. How i fail to read the words my hands scribe, straining my eyes at the white lined sheet of the book that holds my life.

Its weird how less you can see in the dark but how at the same time your mind burst with ideas, plans, thoughts, memories and seemingly all whats unseen. How less my senses choose to function, yet how diverse my soul travels.

In the dark, When the blurry lights outside my window comes into focus and than loose it.

In the dark, when only the silhouette of the items in my room fill my vision.

In the dark, when my mind travels back and forth, remembering the past, planning ahead.

In the dark when the eyes well up with tears of what has been lost, while the lips quiver a smile for the memories made.

In the dark, when the vision seeks dreams coming true, while the heart makes a million wishes.

In the dark, when my soul actually feels free…

To Love and Trust

To trust someone and to get someones trust, to love someone and to have someone to love you. All of these things are included in the long list of emotions and connections we share with our loved ones, those we once did not know. 
Then how come is it that we developed such great bonds of fraternity with them. How did these loved ones really become our”loved ones”? 

Was it the decision to “give” trust to them made it easy for us to trust them? Does our “choice” of loving the particular person ultimately leads us to love them? In short are we who choose to love and trust? 

Well the answer is no. A big fat NO.

We do not choose to love certain people and to dislike others. It is on the other hand THEY who do the magic. How? Just by being themselves and simply pushing us to feel that way for them. All those with their happy, joyful nature, with their positiveness and hopefulness makes it easier for us to open to them with love and care. It is the behavior of the other person for which we develop ties with them. It is by far they’re behavior that pushes you to trust them. 

Love and trust aren’t sold out, they’re earned through the good you have in you.

Hey, who just read this, if you are loved, and trusted, know you are good. Not flawless, not perfect, but good. 

And if you feel like you’re not trusted and loved. Know people can’t choose to do that with you. No matter how hard you try. Let the brighter side overlap the darker ( we all have a dark side, even i do too) and see how you do the magic for earning someones love and trust. 
Stay positive!

Carbon Monoxide and You

The percentage of Carbon Monoxide in air marks only 0.2 % compare to oxygen which is 20.95%. However if this small amount of Carbon Monoxide reacts with the hemoglobin in blood, regardless of the ample amount of oxygen in air, can cause poisoning in the body. But hemoglobin plays it smart. It knows what it wants and does not let others merge along.

Similarly, negativity, no matter how many positives lay around, will not fail to TOXICATE you as long as you allow it to be a part of you. Keeping inside as much as 0.1% of the 0.2% negativity around will kill all the oxygen you have collected in your life, destroying without you even knowing.

Be aware of how even the slightest of antagonism can harm you. You have got to make the choice. Either permit it to enter in a little proportion, allowing it to kill silently, or shut the gates close, to remain spiritually awake and fulfill the dreams you’d seen as a child.

The Reluctance to give

We spend our lives expecting too much from too many people. Underestimating friendship, over estimating relationships. Caught up in the struggle of attaining greater meanings from simple sentences, other times standing oblivious to words that actually create a difference.

We blame others, blame events for mistakes that we ourselves chose to make. All the time, testing the fine line of our limitations, consciously aware of the consequences yet still when the ground hits us, “unexpected” is what we preferably consider the fall to be.

We fail to express ourselves in moments when emotion is all that could have created us. Digesting in all the questions the mind burst with, keeping the grieving tears inside when the heart wants to pour them out, portraying the equilibrium of our emotions when the inside breaks with every loss, every word into shards too subtle to be able to glue back again.

Unaware of how we simultaneously continue to waste the time of our lives sheltering our feelings from the world. We outgrow from guilt to show our self-control, resisting the tide of our sentiments to take over us. Reconciling ourselves each night, putting up makeup to hide the eyes that have had sleepless nights crying in the pillow, to show the indifference we feel towards the worldly disappointments and rejections received.

Likewise not just disposing the blessing of being able to feel certain emotions, we also drag in those who we love shutting them into the castle of our self-made illusion; empty and dark. Depriving them of the warmth they deserve to receive. For example, the fear for showing passion for those we love. When love itself is desperation, obsession with someone’s soul, than why do we restrain ourselves from delivering the affection with the fear of being categorized as desperate?

With so less to offer we demand others to give us more of them. Expecting them to co-operate when we ourselves have weakly grasped the strings that tie us altogether. Aspiring for more than one’s abilities with little or nothing at all to return, Is this how we commit justice? With our self and those connected?

Set free from the unwanted chains you have tied yourself with. Let that strong guard you have built around you drop. I do not ask much of you, but the world deserves a feedback of its interaction with you. Maybe it is not good enough to be expressed but then it’s never too bad to be kept inside. Let those you love, and those who love you permit a little piece of your mind, your heart and see how magical all will be. Life isn’t as hard as it seems to be, we’ve made it hard ourselves, the world isn’t cruel as long as we’re careful in choosing the people we relate too. Allow those who you do choose to see how you feel about them.  You yourself deserve to express what you feel and live a little openly, to be happy and to spread happiness. Just like that.