“It’s a cruel and random world,
But the chaos is all so beautiful.”
It’s surprising how New Year brings in so much hope. No matter who you are, where you are the last day of December certainly fills you up with the belief that no matter how hard it has been, the year ahead will be better. But the most beautiful thing about this newly found hope is that it is this what keeps us going, always.
Year after year, we sit back brooding over our problems, the cruelty we have faced. About times when life had hit us hard, brought us down on our knees and made us cry ourselves to sleep. Yet with the date turning to 1st January, determination finds its way back to give us a purpose of making the upcoming year better than the one before.
2017- Has definitely been the turning point of my life. If I were to write this annual “new year’s” post a few days ago, it would have been more of a suicidal note! Yeah, no jokes. I don’t want to call it the worst year of my life, but I’ll be honest enough to say that I’m glad it’s over.
Too much was exposed to me, and the worst part of it all; I wasn’t ready for the truth. Well, maybe truth isn’t beauty after all. To be honest, I would prefer living in the bluff but that isn’t why we’re sent to this world, is it? Maybe truth is meant to break us, hurt us, and challenge us just so it could make us better off. How? I still haven’t figured out completely. But I know deep down, everything is taking us to the places we have always wanted to be. What ever happened throughout this year is pushing me to the goals I’ve set for myself.
The year started off with a blast. I saw fireworks for the first time on New Year’s Eve. I was excited; maybe I’m going to do a lot of things for the first time this year. And frankly, I’ve had my best days in 2017. With memories of the previous year, and dreams for the new one I was ever so ready to fight for what I wanted. I’d always been the fighter, the rebellious one in my family. The one who would do things nobody else would. The one who wouldn’t settle for rest, constantly eager to achieve.
I was on my best behavior, I was somebody who the world said couldn’t exist. The selfless, caring, loving, fun person who would find her happiness in the act of helping others. Seeing people happy, made me happy. And I would go the extra mile just to do that.
It wasn’t easy, I was told “I care too much” or “You just can’t be this nice”. Everyone would tell me how I was pushing myself to the point where I would be hurt the most. And know what? In the end it did. It did hurt and it did break me to see how people were so self-centered, so negative about others about life. But I made a promise, I told myself that I would live; I would be the person this world believes cannot simply exist. The negativity, it came back every night, at the end of every week, to push me down on the floor, to infuriate me to convince me that people needed to be treated the way they treated me.
I lost my temper, lost my patience. For a while, I could feel the coldness reach my heart. But let me tell you, those were the most miserable days of my life. I was devastated, a complete loser who couldn’t keep on with the days. Who would cry every minute, every other second. Who couldn’t fight anymore. The cruelty of this world had defeated me, and I was left to pick the pieces along the needle filled path of my memories. I pushed back people who tried to help, I pushed back my own self from trying to help me. Things were only getting worse.
I could feel the walls of my room closing down on me. Who was my friend? Where was my family? Why could nobody see my pain, my struggle? Nobody came to save me. Not because I didn’t try, but because even when I did, nobody had the time. Not their fault; we’re all fighting our inner demons. What I learnt from this has stuck by me. You have to fight your battles alone.
No prince charming riding a horse would come to save you, life won’t be easy on you and nobody will be able to help you. Yes you will have support, you will have listening ears. You will have people to advice you but none who could actually fight your battles for you. It is you who would have to stand up, you who will have to fight, strive and live through it. The world is bitter, cold and exhausting, but everything together is just so beautiful because everything has been set just to mold you and prepare you for the best and the worst.
Believe me; you’re hearing this from someone whose biggest strength became her biggest weakness, perhaps the one which almost forced her to change.
Everything good or bad it’s set out for us, this theatre has been built for us, so we could be given a chance to form our self. Everything bad has been added only to do us good.
I am nobody if I give up on my dreams, my goals my passions. This world, it’ll push you to your breaking point, it’ll test your bonds so hard that it might seem unrealistic. This aint no fairy-tale, which I believed this world was. But maybe what we all seek for isn’t just a happy ending, with the girl finding her prince, her peace, her family and her dreams. Maybe it’s the thrill we seek in life which eventually leads us to be happy; thus to a happy end.
2017 you were hard on me; you were so hard that sometimes I would hope my life to just stop. But not for a second would I wish for this year to not happen. You revealed me to the truth about life. And as harsh and bitter it may be it is what it is, and it is what makes us who we are.
2018, I’m all different but still the same person. Let’s see what you have to offer.
HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS! REMEMBER YOU’RE INVINCIBLE!