One year ago, I decided to start a personal blog. I wasn’t depressed, wasn’t really happy, wasn’t really anything. But I had made up my mind that for 2016, my resolution was to allow my emotions out on paper and to share them with the world. And here I sit, celebrating my first anniversary with Word Press. It has been a pleasure!
2016– Well was kind of weird. It was packed with drama, and came along with so many lessons for me to learn, that it scares me; one year can completely change how a person thinks about them self and life. This year changed my perspective about everything, and pulled me down to this point where I now strongly believe that you cannot judge an event or situation based on how it presents itself. There is so much more to everything. And everything, yes EVERYTHING that happens, happens for good.
My parents split up this year around July-August. At that current time, it felt, as if that was everything. As if i would never be able to get back to my life at my father’s place. Nobody knows about this. Except my close friend, with whom I shared after it felt too much for me to bear. We shifted to my mother’s brother’s place, and for almost one whole month, I had no contact with my father. He didn’t call, i called once but he didn’t pick up.
Those days were hard, my younger 6 year old sister turned into a quite person. She would cry and plead to return home, my mother had this sadness on her face which she refused to admit. I tried my best to remain calm and strong, but it got to me too. I started getting stress attacks. Even though my Uncle was hell supportive, and so sweet and considerate as he had been his whole life, i started feeling homesick for a place i didn’t want to return to. I would have emotional breakdowns during the school lessons; my teacher sensed my change in behavior. And even though i was relieved to be away from the place that had been haunting and suffocating my mum and sisters for as long as I could remember, i was sad.
I lost a very good friend this year too. I befriended him this same year, spent a great deal of time fooling around with him, and shared so many weirdly cute memories with him. But lost him. Life just took a turn and just like that we had to part ways. Everything happened too fast, and it was so ugly. It ended up uglier than i had expected. Yes, i always knew it was coming, but never the way it had. Unwillingly i had to say my goodbye.
Since then, it had been hard. Everything reminded me of how timely happiness was, how everything was destined to come to an end. How foolish i was to tie myself with people, with things, with places that their emptiness would tear me when the feeling of loosing them would ignite. And the worst part of it all was, i had already lost them. So there was no wait, only the reality that they were gone, and I, I couldn’t do anything about it.
That was when i begin to write. Poems, prose, narratives, those i haven’t shared on my blog, yet those that reflect so clearly the battle i fought this 2016. The question of “Can’t it be always?” would bombard my thoughts. i would cry myself to sleep. Every night. I would stay awake through the nights, doing nothing. Not even thinking.
Everything started hitting me, my life will come to an end, my friendship will come to an end, people will change, those you love will not always love you back, those you care for wont always care for you the way you do, people will hurt you and not even realize they did, good people will leave this world earlier than the bad ones, the world will starve, my grades will suffer, my school life will drown, my social circle will break, I myself will change, and hurt people with the change.
But along these infinite complains i may have from 2016, there was so much to be thankful for. It is definitely how I choose to see my problems and life through this year, which concludes how my 2016 was. And here I choose to see it the way I would not have at the beginning when life continuously began breaking down on me. My parents separated, just to get back together in a mode where they now understood each other better than they did in many years. Where my mum knew what to expect, when to expect and how to handle the problems which may directly affect her daughters lives.
I became strangers to many people, but I see how that was good for me. How I was saved from giving into people who had already given themselves away to someone else. How everything came to an end so it could start all over again. How we could make out the best of the time we had in hand aware that any breathe could be our last one, any chat could be our last one with people. How we could realize that time, yes time will fly by thus we need to plan and schedule our lives.
How we’ve entered this world with counted breathes, with counted days but how we could turn this handed limit into an undying eternal infinity. How a smile, a word, a gesture of care could make someone’s day.
Yes I can say I survived another year, happily welcoming the next. I’ve survived while I smiled, and I can continue to survive only if I choose to see the positive in my life. Don’t ever be hopeless, I moved on from the anxiety, the stress, the daily drama, and disappointments. I have no regrets, not even this “I wish it never happened”. Because I’m glad my life took the turns it did, because it made me strong and tough today. Made me care for people, made me care for things and time. Made me a better person, who’ll polish even more in the upcoming year.
So 2017, I am ready. Let’s see what you have to offer.
P.s Happy New Year!